Nightmares and a Little Honesty


I have been having nightmares lately.

A few nights ago I dreamed my two oldest daughters were playing in the front yard and suddenly went missing. Panic crept into my chest and wrapped its bony fingers around my heart as I swept the neighborhood looking for them or anyone who had seen them. But they were gone. I awoke scared and tense.

Than two nights ago I dreamed my oldest, Laura, had died and I was at her funeral looking down at her in the casket. I sobbed as I remembered the good times we had, the laughs, the hugs, the special daddy/daughter moments when we just connected. I awoke crying.

I think these images, these nightmares, stem from a deep-seated feeling I have of not being in control of this cancer. And of my own mortality. Academically, I know God is in control; the Bible says it and that’s good enough for me. My question for myself is: Do I trust Him enough to throw myself off this ledge He has me on and into His arms? It’s the same question He’s asking me. I keep hearing His voice in my head, whispering, How much do you trust me?

People offer encouragement about trusting God, remembering that He’s in control, everything will be okay, and I appreciate them (I really do!) and agree with them. But when you’re the one standing on the precipice looking down at death, sometimes it’s hard to convince your heart of what your mind knows.

I trust God. I do. The question in my mind is: Do I trust Him completely? That’s one I’ll have to discuss with Him. I hope you won’t think less of me after knowing I wrestle with this. As Simon Cowell loves to say, “Sorry. I’m just being honest.”

A dear friend pointed me to Psalm 42 and 43. 42:1 says As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.

Water is life-sustaining. When a deer is thirsty, H2O is everything; nothing else matters. Is that how I feel about God? Am I that in love with Him? Do I trust Him that much? Things to ponder today.

More tomorrow on this whole subject. It’s what’s on my mind. And a look at Psalm 43.

Also, today is my day to write for the website Writer . . . Interrupted. Go on over and check out my post, “This Interruption Called Cancer.”

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About mikedellosso

Mike Dellosso is an author of wide-eyed suspense. He writes stories that not only entertain but enlighten.

Posted on April 1, 2008, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Michelle Pendergrass

    I understand the struggle. I’ve been there, a few times actually.The one that comes to mind first is my Uncle Ed. He was only 13 years older than me and more like my big brother. About 5 years ago, he had an accident and came out of it in pretty severe pain, got hooked on the Rx narcotics and went face first into a horrible depression.In 2005, the family was called to gather at the ER because the doctor’s believed he was dying (overdose.) I live an hour away.I had been doing the Bible Study Believing God by Beth Moore, I had been praying for Uncle Ed’s salvation. And when I got the call, I prayed with my husband and sped to the hospital. I prayed the entire way.I remember the intersection I was coming upon as I prayed, “God–your words says you don’t want any to perish. If I pray for his salvation, that IS in your will and you are supposed to save him.” I was angry and yelling at God. I was scared beyond what I ever understood scared to be. And I cried a lot.I heard that small voice in my head whisper, “He’s already dead.”I didn’t think I could go on. I yelled and reminded God, the God of the universe of his promises and then I just said, “Okay. If he’s already dead I guess it doesn’t matter what I say. I don’t know how to get beyond this and move forward, I don’t know how this plays into the Sunday School teaching of you, but I’ll do my best to believe you know what’s best. I’m sorry I yelled at you. Please help me deal with this.”So I went to the hospital and Uncle Ed was still alive, unconscious but alive. So I started doubting my prayer life, started doubting that voice I’d known as the Holy Spirit, started struggling with everything.Uncle Ed was in ICU for about a week and he started coming around. When he was coherent, my pastor drove to visit him and on 05-05-05 He accepted Christ.Much later, through tons of prayer and many almost faithless nights, I came to understand that when God whispered “He’s already dead” I think he meant he’s already spiritually dead. Then I thought Uncle Ed would be my partner sharing Christ with the whole family. But 9 months and 15 days after he accepted Christ, he committed suicide.My lesson won’t be what yours is. No one ever has the same lesson. We can find pieces to relate to, but we each have our own relationship with God and the beauty is, He knows what’s best. If you can (and I really suggest you try) go to http://lifeway.com/believinggod and sign up for the online study. I’m going through it again right now (and honestly, I’m afraid to finish it. If we’re going to be honest here, I’ll tell you that I am so afraid of the lesson that will come out of this one, it has taken me a year to do 6 chapters–that should have taken 6 weeks. I have 6 or 7 more chapters left.) But I will finish. Because it is teaching me where I lack faith. And without faith it is impossible to please Him. Impossible to build character and become what He has created us to be.So we have to do the hard things.I’m praying for you daily. I actually have another suggestion. Go to http://prayingincolor.com and pick up that book too.

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  2. Merrie Destefano

    Mike,I’m still praying for you, bro.:)I think the thing that seems to work best for me when I go through trials is to turn around and look backward, not forward. I’ve come to the conclusion that faith is built one step at a time, like when the Jews crossed the Jordan. They had to be willing to put their feet right in the water, even before God stopped the flow. It wasn’t easy.But the interesting thing is, after they got across the river God told them to build a memorial, right there, out of stones from the riverbed. Joshua Stones (that’s what I call them). Why would He tell them to do that? Because He knew that there would times in the future when their faith would waver, times when they would be called to “put their feet in the wild water” even though they were afraid.So, for the Old Testament Jews, much of their faith grew from them learning how to look over their shoulder, back at the wonderous things God had already done for them.I’m praying that today God will bring to your memory at least three times in the past that He was there when you needed Him. And I especially pray that you will remember times when He was there for your daughters, so you will know that they are being watched over and protected by Him too.Just like you are.God’s richest blessings on you today, Mike,:)Merrie

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  3. I’m not even going to give advice, but in all honesty, I am praying for you. And watching. And waiting. Because something is going to happen from all this, something that will be completed in His timing. I can’t even imagine what you’re feeling like because these things can’t really be understood without the experience. But your testimony through this speaks volumes to things we all understand: fear, trust, faith, the clamor for control. Thanks for sharing, Mike.

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  4. It’s so easy to sit here and read your words and say that I get it, that I would feel the same way if I were in your shoes, but there is still that disconnection. I don’t have cancer. I don’t really know what you’re going through, though I can relate some of the feelings…lack of control, nightmares of children, fear of dying or loosing a loved one.I think your honesty will be a strength to you in these coming days, weeks, months. Don’t sugar coat this journey. Live it and live!

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