Nightmares and a Little Honesty
I have been having nightmares lately.
A few nights ago I dreamed my two oldest daughters were playing in the front yard and suddenly went missing. Panic crept into my chest and wrapped its bony fingers around my heart as I swept the neighborhood looking for them or anyone who had seen them. But they were gone. I awoke scared and tense.
Than two nights ago I dreamed my oldest, Laura, had died and I was at her funeral looking down at her in the casket. I sobbed as I remembered the good times we had, the laughs, the hugs, the special daddy/daughter moments when we just connected. I awoke crying.
I think these images, these nightmares, stem from a deep-seated feeling I have of not being in control of this cancer. And of my own mortality. Academically, I know God is in control; the Bible says it and that’s good enough for me. My question for myself is: Do I trust Him enough to throw myself off this ledge He has me on and into His arms? It’s the same question He’s asking me. I keep hearing His voice in my head, whispering, How much do you trust me?
People offer encouragement about trusting God, remembering that He’s in control, everything will be okay, and I appreciate them (I really do!) and agree with them. But when you’re the one standing on the precipice looking down at death, sometimes it’s hard to convince your heart of what your mind knows.
I trust God. I do. The question in my mind is: Do I trust Him completely? That’s one I’ll have to discuss with Him. I hope you won’t think less of me after knowing I wrestle with this. As Simon Cowell loves to say, “Sorry. I’m just being honest.”
A dear friend pointed me to Psalm 42 and 43. 42:1 says As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.
Water is life-sustaining. When a deer is thirsty, H2O is everything; nothing else matters. Is that how I feel about God? Am I that in love with Him? Do I trust Him that much? Things to ponder today.
More tomorrow on this whole subject. It’s what’s on my mind. And a look at Psalm 43.
Also, today is my day to write for the website Writer . . . Interrupted. Go on over and check out my post, “This Interruption Called Cancer.”