Oh, My Divided Heart
I’ve been thinking a lot about my post yesterday and my wrestle with trusting God completely. At times, I feel like the father in Mark whose son was possessed by a particularly violent and angry demon who would convulse the boy and throw him into fire and water, trying to kill him. The father brought his son to Jesus for healing and said, “If you can, take pity on us and help us.” I can see Jesus now, eyeing the father for a brief moment before replying, “‘If you can?’ Everything is possible for him who believes.” Of course, the message was loud and clear. There’s no if you can with Jesus. He can. He’s able. The father answered humbly, “I do believe; help my unbelief.”
And here we have a picture of a divided heart. One that believes and yet has difficulty believing.
Lately, I’ve felt like that father, “Lord I believe you can heal me and restore my health, I believe you can take care of my family, I believe you can give us wisdom to navigate these uncharted waters . . . but help my unbelief!”
Am I odd? Well, yes, but not because of this. Am I less of a Christian because I wrestle with unbelief? I hope not. Am I normal? Yes (or if you’ve been reading these posts long enough, at least otherwise normal).
David struggled with this very thing of belief/unbelief. Read the Psalms. Read Psalm 43. Verse 2 begins, You are God my stronghold. Sounds like belief to me. God is a stronghold, a place of safety and security. I know that feeling. But then he follows it immediately with, Why have you rejected me? Wait a minute. Where did the belief go? What happened to the stronghold? David had a divided heart. I know that feeling too.
I’m sorry, I’m preaching now. But I think you see my point. My heart is divided between my spirit trusting God, finding safety in His arms, and just resting in Him, and my flesh saying, “But what if . . .”
This afternoon we have a consultation with the oncologist to discuss my upcoming radiation treatments. I hope he’s ready for a hailstorm of questions.