These is tough times.
I wrote about this once before, but it’s something that nags at me and is a part of my life, of who I am. And really, if we’re being honest, of who we all are.
It’s that whole divided heart thing.
Knowing one thing, I mean really knowing it to be true because God says so in His Word. Academically certain that what He says He means and we can take it to the bank and deposit it with full security. It’s a head knowledge.
I know that I know that I know that God is with me, that He is good and wants only good for His children, that He is in control, that all things work together for good to make us more like Christ, that I am in His hands, that He is holding my hand and whispering sweet assurances in my ear. I know it. Kinda like David in Psalm 73:1 says Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart.
But sometimes the reality of this world, the harshness, the cancer, the surgery, the ileostomy, weigh so much, become such a burden, that we loose our mental foothold and our faith waivers. Immediately following the above verse David says, But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold.
Where do I reconcile the two? That head knowledge, academic knowing, and the base reality of life in a cursed world? In the presence of God. At the end of the chapter David declares, But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.
A couple random thoughts . . .
Life with a bag (the nurses call the ileostomy pouch an appliance–I call it a bag) is proving to be a lot different and not so easy to adjust to. Jen says I don’t have to get used to it, just accept it. I know there are people a lot worse off than me. I don’t want to pity myself. It is what it is and I must deal with it and move on with life.
I’m finding the hardest question to answer is: “So how are you doing?” That’s such a loaded question and the answer can vary from hour to hour, day to day, emotionally to physically to spiritually. No matter how I answer, unless I give a six-point lecture, I feel like I’m stating less than the full truth.