Slipping Feet


These is tough times.

I wrote about this once before, but it’s something that nags at me and is a part of my life, of who I am. And really, if we’re being honest, of who we all are.

It’s that whole divided heart thing.

Knowing one thing, I mean really knowing it to be true because God says so in His Word. Academically certain that what He says He means and we can take it to the bank and deposit it with full security. It’s a head knowledge.

I know that I know that I know that God is with me, that He is good and wants only good for His children, that He is in control, that all things work together for good to make us more like Christ, that I am in His hands, that He is holding my hand and whispering sweet assurances in my ear. I know it. Kinda like David in Psalm 73:1 says Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart.

But sometimes the reality of this world, the harshness, the cancer, the surgery, the ileostomy, weigh so much, become such a burden, that we loose our mental foothold and our faith waivers. Immediately following the above verse David says, But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold.

Where do I reconcile the two? That head knowledge, academic knowing, and the base reality of life in a cursed world? In the presence of God. At the end of the chapter David declares, But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

*****

A couple random thoughts . . .

Life with a bag (the nurses call the ileostomy pouch an appliance–I call it a bag) is proving to be a lot different and not so easy to adjust to. Jen says I don’t have to get used to it, just accept it. I know there are people a lot worse off than me. I don’t want to pity myself. It is what it is and I must deal with it and move on with life.

I’m finding the hardest question to answer is: “So how are you doing?” That’s such a loaded question and the answer can vary from hour to hour, day to day, emotionally to physically to spiritually. No matter how I answer, unless I give a six-point lecture, I feel like I’m stating less than the full truth.

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About mikedellosso

Mike Dellosso is an author of wide-eyed suspense. He writes stories that not only entertain but enlighten.

Posted on April 25, 2008, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Mike,You are right that we have head and heart knowledge. As a kid, we all have head knowledge of life and death. Maybe we lose a pet, grandparent or perhaps a parent. All of that is expected, and having experienced all three before I was 19 multiple times, I figured it was part of life – which it is. But I didn’t have a heart knowledge of life and death until Dan, my husband of course, was diagnosed two years ago with pancreatic cancer when he was 43. It was not part of the normal plan of life. We were faced with the possibility of him dying at ayounger age than we wanted or expected, the possibility of the kids losing Dan before they were independent adults – when it would be more “acceptable” – and the devastating roller coaster ride that we were perahps facing – and I hate roller coasters. But, as you say, as a Christian whose faith is in Christ,we have a head and a heart knowledge of God – both of which are very positive and encouraging. Though our prognosis of 95% done with pancreatic cancer encourages us, I sometimes must daily force myself to accept or cope with the head and heart knowledge of life and death by forcing myself to focus on the love and peace of Christ. Sometimes it truly becomes a willful choice. Life is one battle at a time. Even if we are victors over the most impending cancer battle, the reality of life is that we will succumb to death one day if the Lord tarries. I hope that I will cling to those life-lessons that I am continually being tutored in when I face my final battle. And remeber, thoguh you may feel lonely at times, you are not alone. Many of us love you and are praying for God’s peace and quiet spirit to settle on you during these hard “heart” times.Kathryn 🙂

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  2. We love you so much, Mike. We too have struggled with our faith and fear at this time in our life. We “know” He is faithful but our fears get the best of us sometimes. You’re so candid with your journey and I appreciate it. We are praying for you and loving you during this time.

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  3. I identify so much with what you’re saying, Mike! And in my own dark times of immense grappling, I think that’s when the head knowledge starts becoming experiential for me – to know Christ *and* His sufferings, but more so, His resurrection sustaining power. ‘Cause He just doesn’t ever take us through something unless He intends to be our very Life in that situation. Haven’t walked in your shoes, Mike, but only talking out loud about some hard things I remember. I love your honesty on these pages and pray each day you’ll sense a little more of His presence. I sometimes have to remind myself that God is accomplishing His very purpose for me at this exact time and exact place, and so I offer thanks for that (even though I don’t understand). Praying for you in all things,Vicki

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