Death on the Brain
Yes, I’m thinking about death again. One thing I’m learning about this battle with cancer is that it’s quite relentless. The time between chemo treatments isn’t long enough to fully recover; the time feeling semi-normal isn’t long enough to enjoy; feeling sick and tired gets really old after a while; discouraging stories come at the wrong times.
The other day I overheard a conversation about a boss who died of, you guessed it, colon cancer. The woman talking said he just didn’t respond to the chemo or surgeries. Whenever I hear that, my heart seizes in my chest and I start thinking about death. If it can happen to someone else it can happen to me.
Since then I’ve been thinking about the time I have here, the things I experience, the memories. Yesterday, our six-year-old got her first new bike (two-wheeler) and you should have seen the joy and excitement and pride on her face riding that new bike. I wanted to soak it all in and capture as much of it as I could because I kept thinking that I may not have too much longer with her.
Macabre, I know. But I’m sentimental to start with and stuff like that really sets me off. Then the tears start flowing. Especially when I’m thinking about death.
My wife, Jen, has been a great encouragement, reminding me that my future is in God’s hands and I shouldn’t dwell on what may or may not happen but enjoy the time I’m given in the here and now. Something all of us should do a lot more of.
She mentioned a verse that is still bouncing around in my head. Job, in the midst of his trial and suffering, said, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.”
Trust. Something I need to do more of. Thinking about death. Something I need to do less of.