HIgh Wire Act
Today’s the big day, the first day of my final two-week cycle of chemo. I can hardly believe things have progressed this far. As I look back over the past eight months I see tears, questions, heartache, nausea, frustration, confusion, more questions . . . and God’s fingerprints all over all of it. It’s gone by in a flash, but isn’t the past always a flash?
I feel kind of weird with this whole stopping chemo thing, though. A little anxious about it. Yes, I’m glad to be coming to the end and praying and hoping the drugs did their job. But there’s a part of me that is fearful of ending.
I feel like I’ve been walking this high wire for eight months, scared, sure, but knowing I had a safety net. The chances of the cancer spreading for coming back while on chemo are very slim. In two weeks that net will be removed and I’ll be on my own. No poison to hold back the cancer.
Hmm, makes me wonder where my faith is. In some man-made drug or in the Great Physician? Of course, I know God is in control and my faith is best placed in Him. He is far more powerful than any pill I could take or drug they can infuse me with. And He is far more effective than any safety net–He’s walking with me on that high wire, holding my hands, keeping me from falling, carrying me when my steps become unsure and unsteady.
This is something I need to settle with Him, resting fully in His hands and giving Him my worries and fears and anxieties. And answering the questions: Do I really trust God? Do I really believe He is good all the time? Deep stuff, I know. I always thought I knew the answer to those questions; I could spit out an answer (the right one, of course) fast enough, but if I’m being honest with myself and with God, and if I’m really probing the depths of my own heart, I can’t answer so quickly. And that bothers me.