Back to Work
My three-week recovery period is about to come to a close. Monday I head back to work. It’s so much different this time than it was last May. Last time I was off for six weeks and went back part-time carrying a bunch of baggage (chemo and not feeling well, the ostomy and trying to figure out how to live with it and appear normal, fear of what the future held, and being severely deconditioned, just to name a few). It was hard. Very hard. Even though I’d worked there for 11 years I felt like a stranger. I had an awful time adjusting to life as usual again. There were times I’d sit at work and just start crying. Some days I didn’t think I’d make it until quittin‘ time.
This time, though, is much different. I’m going back after only three weeks off and going back full-time. I feel good and am only carrying the baggage I think I’ll be toting around the rest of my life.
That baggage. No matter how hard I try to shake it I think it’s going to be there. It’s the nagging thought that this cancer could come back. The ever-present question: What if it returns? Then what?
Yesterday I read that in 2005 Tony Snow was diagnosed with stage III colon cancer (same stage I had) despite yearly screenings. After surgery and aggressive treatment it appeared the cancer was gone. Then in 2007 it reappeared. In 2008 he was dead.
I’ll be honest, that scared me. I’ve been thinking about it ever since reading it. I’ve been thinking how cruel that would seem. I feel so good now, like I have my life back. To give me that then snatch it away again . . . I don’t know. I’d have a real hard time with that (just being honest, you know?).
I know I shouldn’t fear. I know I shouldn’t dwell on it. I know I shouldn’t keep looking over my shoulder waiting for bad news to sneak up on me. But what if it does? What then?
The truth? I have no idea. I guess I’ll deal with it, battle it, and rely on the Lord to carry me (us, since it would traumatize the whole family) through it. That’s all I could do. Sometimes life doesn’t give you options. There’s one road that leads right through the deepest, darkest, scariest part of the valley and you just have to square your shoulders, puff out your chest, dip your chin and go for it.
I’m just so thankful I have the Lord holding my hand. I’ll pound this truth into my head: He will never leave me nor forsake me.
Okay, enough of that. Next week I start back at work and that means earlier mornings and a different schedule. If I don’t post every day like I have been, please forgive me. I know there will be days I don’t post. Maybe a couple a week. Time is precious and I only have so much of it in a day. You know what I’m talking about.