Reflections on My Cancer Battle (Part 4: Celebrating Three Years)

I had an anxiety attack. I was sitting at the dining room table with Jen and the weight of the whole “cancer thing” landed on me all at once. Things were moving too slowly.

Here I’d been diagnosed, seen the surgeon, and still didn’t have an appointment with the oncologist. I had no idea how long it would take to get an appointment. And in the meantime the monster within me could be growing, spreading, infecting other organs. I had no idea. I was so scared.

And I panicked. I just lost it. I began shaking and breathing hard and rambling on and on. Poor Jen thought I’d lost it. Her rock had turned into a sponge.

*     *     *

The first time I cried was days after being diagnosed. I was on my way to work, thinking about cancer (it was all I thought about) and what it all meant and death was on my mind. I thought of Jen and my girls. What if this cancer beat me and took my life? Jen would be a widow. My daughters would grow up fatherless, having gone through one of the hardest things any child can go through—losing a parent.

I couldn’t take even the thought of it and the tears began to flow, waves of them. I had to pull the car over and sob.

I didn’t want to die.

I cried out to God, told him I didn’t care how hard this battle would be or how uncomfortable it would get just please, please oh please, spare my life. I could handle pain and discomfort and inconvenience. I could bear with the surgery and the chemo and the awful side effects. What I couldn’t take, what I couldn’t stand even the thought of, was leaving my wife and girls.

From March 21, 2008:

I’ve often noticed that a person’s health seems to take a nosedive after the diagnosis of cancer is made. Now I know why. It’s not just the physical fatigue, but the emotional and mental blow. The enormity of it is quite jarring and it’s easy to give in to a defeatist attitude and just throw in the towel. The uncertainty, the tests, the results, the probing and prodding, the fears. I don’t want to be one of those people, though. I want to keep on exercising, keep on laughing, keep on loving. I know that above all this “cancer stuff” is my Heavenly Father, my Daddy, who loves me more than I could ever love anyone and cares for me and about me. He has a plan in all this; I know that. I trust Him with my life. I do. He saved it; He owns it; it’s His.


About mikedellosso

Mike Dellosso is an author of wide-eyed suspense. He writes stories that not only entertain but enlighten.

Posted on March 16, 2011, in Cancer, Christian Living, Life in General and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Mike,
    I’ve been reading your posts and contemplating what you must be going through. A new baby born to your family….and then this anniversary and thinking about the ramifications of your health to you and your family.

    But for GOD none of us would ever survive the onslaught of living in this sin-filled world. I just finished reading the updates of those living in Japan, and I cannot fathom the reality of their lives right now. God is surely moving in a great way, and I hope those of us who name the name of Christ are seeking His guidance as never before.

    I appreciate you taking the time to share the reflections of your journey. I know I cannot be easy at all. I pray for you and your family. I’m looking forward to reading your next novel, and I know God will use you to reach others for His kingdom.

    Praising Him for His goodness today.



    • Thanks for the comment, Kim. Working through these memories and feelings has been helpful to keep what God has done in my life fresh in my mind. Too often His works are forgotten as time passes. I like to reflect to remind myself what an awesome God we serve!


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