A Cancer Story: The First Time I Cried


The first time I cried about the cancer was about a week after diagnosis. I had already seen the surgeon and the oncologist. I’d gotten the news, the plan, and the prognosis. I knew what the next year would look like . . . or so I thought.

But it was one morning on my way to work when the weight of the entire ordeal broke loose from its moorings and landed on my shoulders. I remember it like it just happened last week. I was doing forty-five down Lehman Road and those pesky thoughts of death wormed their way into my mind. I wasn’t afraid of dying, though. No, I know where I’m going, that’s not the problem. There’s no fear there. I was afraid for my family. I didn’t want my wife being a widow at 31 years old; I didn’t want my three daughters, just 9, 7, and 6, to grow up fatherless. I couldn’t stand even the idea of it. And the more those thoughts bounced around in my head the more the tears pressed on the back of my eyes.

Finally, the dam let loose and the tears surged. And there I was, blurry-eyed, all sniffles and sobs, praying, “God, let this thing be as uncomfortable as it has to be but please spare my life.”

It was the first time in my life I had ever stared death in the face. It’s ugly, let me tell you. Like I said, I wasn’t afraid of that beast either, I was afraid of the destruction it would leave in its wake.

I needed that cry too, needed it to cleanse my worries and push me to the point of throwing the ordeal at God’s feet. I wouldn’t cry again until chemotherapy did its dark magic on my emotions.

I learned during that trip to work that suffering serves as a reminder of our own mortality. It forces us to the realization that we’re not as in control as we’d like to think we are . . . and we’re not as strong as we imagine ourselves to be.

So how about you. What trial have you endured that reminded you of your own weakness and insufficiency? That pushed you toward a deeper reliance on God?

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About mikedellosso

Mike Dellosso is an author of wide-eyed suspense. He writes stories that not only entertain but enlighten.

Posted on March 7, 2014, in Cancer, Life in General and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. Almost died myself at 29 and yeah, it does do things to your head and emotions. But something happened during the night in ICU that helped and years, 2 to be exact, that made me realize I had an angel visit and I believe it to this day. After this person came to me at the hospital, I knew I was going to be okay and the terror of the situation subsided.

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  2. When our son was in the throws of addiction. My faith was tested big time, I knew The Lord was with me. I knew that He was brought me to this testing point of my faith. It was a crises; I saw that I wasn’t in control, everything was sliding out of control.
    I learned that Jesus was teaching me that He will give me more than I can handle so I will reach out to Him for help. He was my strength and peace.
    There were days I don’t how I got to work, it was Jesus driving. I had too many tears.
    I am happy to say our son has a year clean and sober. Praise The Lord.

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  3. Breast cancer is what made me rely on God more than anytime in my life. Right now I am in the middle stages of my fight. When I read Mike’s book ‘A Thousand Sleepless Nights’, I thought he did a great job of what a person goes through when they are told they have cancer. Nothing can prepare you when you hear those words. You have to ask questions you don’t want to ever think about asking. How much time do I have? Waiting two weeks after testing to ask, has it spread? The different types of breast cancer. The surgeries. Being so sick from chemo you ask God to let you die. How am I going to say goodbye to my husband? Going to chemo and seeing so many other people fighting to live.
    I too know where I am going when I die and when I get there I know I would never want to come back. But my husband ask me to fight because he wants to grow old with me.
    I did a lot of crying. Chemo can set off a lot of emotions. Being a woman it is hard losing your hair and making the decision to have a double masectomy and reconstructive surgery. Yes hair grows back but it still is tough looking in the mirror.
    Then I got angry because the lump was not found much sooner. I found it and they kept saying they couldn’t see anything after several tests. Relying on God? At this point that is all you have and he hasn’t failed and never will.

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    • Terry, your words are so spot on, so accurate, so real. I know it’s been a tough road for you but there is bright light at the end of this tunnel, one way or another, and you are already such an inspiration to so many. Thank you for sharing. Praying for you.

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  4. 7 months ago my best friend since I was a teenager died. It has ripped me in ways losing family members didn’t. The worst has been missing our almost daily phone conversations. God is bringing me through but I’m much weaker than I thought…thank you for your transparency.

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  5. Mr. Dellosso, I am so glad that God brought you through your struggle. Four weeks ago my uncle had a heart attack and passed away. He had a wife and an eight year old daughter. It was God who helped me through the funeral and the coming days even though I didn’t realize it at the time. Right now I am learning to completely depend on God and discovering that He really is there to help whenever I need Him. It is so much easier to trust when things are easy! Thank you for sharing your story; I enjoy reading your posts.

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  6. Countless, I’m sad to say. From loss of a child, to losses of other loved ones, my mom,(like Joyce) my youngest son’s struggle with alcoholism and addiction, to my own terminal illness. Im not afraid of death, either, Mike. It is leaving my family without me and their pain that breaks my heart. But God is bigger than any illness or diagnosis. Medicine says I will continue to deteriorate over time and die. But God gets the only final say. Thank you, Jesus, for being my rock and my strength and in merciful control of everything because you ARE everything.

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  7. While going through serious medical issues and waiting a long time for a diagnosis as doctor after doctor couldn’t figure out what was wrong, and then as my disease progressed and I battled to get it under control, I often thought that I might die. Now I’m on black-box-labeled medications and have several other diseases and issues from the initial disease itself, but the Lord has proven so faithful and has calmed my heart during the trials. What’s more, I know that there is a reason for everything, whether I actually know it this side of heaven or not!

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  8. My husband had meniere’s in the late 70s and early 80s, in fact he still has it, but surgery was done in Birmingham, AL, in ’81, I believe. I stayed home with the kids because they were in school. His parents went with him. They put a shunt in behind his ear to drain the fluid in the inner ear. Because they had to cut the ear and lay it over to do this, he got meningitis, because the surgery was so close to the brain. I didn’t know this until after he got home, he didn’t want to upset me. He did real well for a while. Then he started getting the awful symptoms again, dizziness so bad he couldn’t walk. I remember him crawling because he couldn’t walk. The shunt had become twisted. So he had to go back for more surgery, this time his mother and I went, my mom kept Tina and Joey because school was out. I was so afraid of him getting meningitis again, I just prayed and prayed. During his surgery, his mom and I went to lunch at the hospital cafeteria. There was a little balcony overlooking the city. I went out there, alone to pray. But I wasn’t alone. There was a Presence so strong, so powerful, I knew it was Jesus, not an angel. He was there, right beside me. If He had asked me to go with Him, I would have gone right then and there, I would have left my little children, my husband, everyone I loved, no looking back! I felt like I wanted to melt into Him. And the love was so indescribable. Powerful,, strong, holy, righteous, and irresistible are only a few of the adjectives to describe His love. No, he didn’t get meningitis, he did real well and hasn’t had anymore dizziness like before. I believe Jesus knew how much I needed Him that day. We had to go to Birmingham because the doctor there was one of the few in the country that did that surgery. Now they don’t use it at all! I just want all on here that are facing death and that have lost a loved one, that when Jesus comes for you, nothing on earth could keep you here because you will want to go with Him more than anything else! God bless you all.

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