I stopped in McDonald’s in Gettysburg the other day to get a quick drink and found myself standing in line behind a mother and her 5-year-old son (he looked to be about 5).
While his mother ordered, the boy kept turning around and looking at me. Finally he got up the nerve to speak. It went something like this:
KID: Sir, are you a health inspector?
ME: No, I’m sorry, I’m not.
KID: ‘Cause you look like a health inspector.
ME: Really? I’ll take that as a compliment. Thank you.
At this point he turned back toward his mother but kept throwing me furtive glances. As they waited for their food, he once again turned my way, arms at his side, looking up at me.
KID: Sir, are you a health inspector’s sidekick?
ME: You sound like health inspectors are superheroes. Maybe I should be one.
Hey, maybe I missed my calling.
The other day I posted on Facebook how I thought the town of Gettysburg must be surrounded by some anti-intelligence force field that causes people to forget how to drive when they enter the town. Really, it’s pretty pathetic. So in that spirit I’ve decided to count down the ten most annoying things you can do as a tourist when you get behind the wheel. Hey, being annoying is fun, right? Here we go:
10. Run red lights. Really, what’s the point of them? All that color stuff can get pretty confusing. Just go when you want to, cars will stop.
9. Run stop signs. Even less important than traffic lights. You don’t really have to stop, you know. It’s just a suggestion.
8. Fail to use turn signals. They serve no purpose. You know which way you’re turning (most of the time) and that’s good enough.
7. Drive ten miles under the posted speed limit. It says speed limit for a reason. You shouldn’t go faster than it, but nothing says you can’t go slower. Hey, go as slow as you want.
6. Stop in the middle of the road. There are no signs that say you can’t. Really, look for them. You won’t find ’em.
5. Drive through crosswalks . . . while a pedestrian is crossing. You’re in a car; you’re bigger, they can look out for you!
4. Turn into oncoming traffic. They’ll move. Trust me.
3. Drive the wrong way down a one way street. Whoever thought a one way street was a good idea anyway?
2. Honk your horn when you’re doing something wrong. This will alert those around you that they should pay closer attention. It’s very conscientous of you to do so.
1. Pack yourself and your 50 friends into McDonald’s so locals have to wait a half hour to order a lousy sweet tea. (Okay, that has nothing to do with driving but it’s oh so annoying). The locals don’t mind. They’re happy to have you contributing to the tax base.
So there you go. The next time you go sightseeing or visit a tourist attraction try these solid gold techniques for being a really annoying tourist driver. Trust me, you’ll thank me for the heads-up.
Got any other ways we all can be uber annoying tourists? Let’s hear ’em . . .